Advice to those who are flying solo

2. Give up your guilt.
What you believe, your kids will pick up on. If a single parent feels guilty about the dissolution of the marriage, their ability to provide financially, or any other reason, kids will work that. But if a parent says “This is the way it is for us, we’ll make the best of it, we’re going to do just fine,” the child picks up on that confidence, security and commitment instead. If the single parent feels guilty and thinks they have to “make something up” to their children, the kids can start to feel either deprived or entitled.

3. Let your kids know they’re needed in the family.
One of the biggest problems with children today is that they’re not “needed” in the family. They’re not given enough responsibilities and are not expected to meet the ones they have. But a single parent can truthfully say, “We’re a team, we can share the responsibility.”

Give your kids opportunities to feel needed and valued. Give them real responsibilities in the home such as helping with laundry or dinner (depending upon the child’s age.) Single parents can look at this as an opportunity, and say, “Wow, I really do need my kids.”

4. Solve problems together.
Our theme in the Positive Discipline books is focusing on solutions with your children. The more you get them involved in “What’s the problem and what’s the solution?” the more they’ll feel motivated to follow those rules. I think problems come up when parents start to dictate the rules, and single parents may feel they need to be more punitive to keep control. We’re so afraid that if we don’t add punishment, we’re letting the child get away with something.

I believe in allowing children to experience the consequences of their choices. Don’t “ball them out and then bail them out.” If your child is careless, leaves his bike in the driveway and it gets run over, a parent might punish him by saying, “OK, I’m not buying you a new bike and you can’t ride your bike anymore this summer.” But they’ve already experienced the consequence: they’ve experienced loss or sadness by losing the bike.

Instead, if you focus on solutions with your children, you can help them be more responsible. So now you can say, “I’m willing to sit down and work with you on how you can earn some money to buy a new bike.” You don’t punish or rescue them—it’s not about permissiveness. You come up with a solution together. It’s a matter of being aware so you can focus on solutions.